I can not stop eating.
I can not stop smoking.
I can not stop drinking.
And in other news, my mother is dying.
I do not know who I am anymore.
One thousand, four hundred, and sixty days of dementia claw at me.
Things I held true about myself ripped to shreds.
And in other news, my mother is dying.
I do not sleep.
I lay awake reviewing the day's failures.
I lay awake reviewing the world's failures.
And in other news, my mother is dying.
And nobody talks anymore.
We just spit hate and rage at each other.
People sling their pain at strangers in hope of some relief.
And in other news, my mother is dying.
Does this torment end in my grave?
Does it end in hers?
Does it end when no one is left to write humanity's obituary?
And in other news
My mother
Is dying.
I'm glad this post spoke to you, Joan. Wait... actually, I'm sorry this post spoke to you. It was a rough morning when I sat down and bashed this out. I wish we were all supported enough in this dementia care giving lifestyle to not feel like this all the time.
And do not dismiss your own level of care giving to your mother! You are still her advocate and her voice and her daughter. Remember, we have a team of three in our household to keep our lady here in her home, otherwise I'm pretty sure we would be performing our caregiver duties in the same manner as you, and that's not a bad thing, Joan, it's just different.
Thank you for putting my feelings about my mum in to words so eloquently. I'm in awe of you looking after her yourself, I couldn't cope and put mum in a home and visit. Heartbreaking. Take care, sending love.
Sometimes, Kerri, when I put out one of my dark days in a post, I'm always afraid of the readers who may not see anything else on the blog and determine that the darkness is ALL the days. Your words let me know that my assumption is wrong, that you get it, that others will also get it. That not all the moments are filled with despair. That in caregiving, like everything else in life, you have to work through the horrible, not be anchored to it. I so, so, so appreciate your comment for that clarification, and for letting me know our story is helping you in yours.
I wish you a great caregiver weekend. And if it can't…
You are doing amazing! We all have our dark moments and you are instrumental in helping me get through my dark moments! Your blog has helped me more than any support group I've ever been to. I hope knowing how much you help others, helps you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Buckets of love? Geez, next you're gonna try and hug me, aren't 'ya?
Nah, thank you, luv. Let's pull a virtual meet up together in the next couple of weeks.