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  • Writer's pictureLickety Glitz

I'M CHANGING MY LIFE!

Updated: May 16, 2021

Uh... TOMORROW! I mean, I'm already on the couch today.


Wait, tomorrow is looking kinda full too - I got some sleeping late and drinking early on the docket. Next week, though, is pretty clear, so...


I'M CHANGING MY LIFE NEXT WEEK!


<shrug>


Maybe.


<sigh>


If I run out of wine.


Great. Now I gotta figure out how to murder.


The people are gone: MotherMinder has started a new adventure with a new granddaughter while The Other Girl is luxuriating in full days of living in her own home in her own town without having to drive two hours to elsewhere each week.


Katie, our hospice bath aide, is gone. Apparently I gotta be dying to warrant the continuation of her tender affections. Jeanette, our easily frightened house cleaner, gone. She will no longer be an every-other-week friend as that was a monthly budget item Mom could afford, not me. (That's a shame 'cause I had conjured up a lot of new ways to startle her whilst she vacuumed - all for naught.)


Last week The Boyfriend in the Basement and I gussied up the joint to welcome family and friends after Mom's placement ceremony. It was a simple and touching affair, both at the cemetery and back home. Those people are gone too.


And that's okay. I'm reveling in the silence of the house; the upstairs we don't use and the downstairs that we do. And... I still don't miss Mom.


I asked TBitB the other night if it was weird that I don't miss her. "Yeah," he replied, "but weird is your normal."

He's got a point there.


So now that my focus has moved from taking care of Mom and the other no-longer-denizens of this household to taking care of myself, what exactly am I doing to create this new life?


Sadly, a lot of what I was doing in the old.


I've forgotten how good I am at avoidance when it comes to resolving my own issues. Everyday I shout to the universe "I'm changing my life!" And in the wee hours of the next morning I find myself stumbling to bed bleary eyed with the realization that this all seems strangely familiar.


So while I'm not missing Mom I'm also not roaring forward eagerly to forge a new future. I suspect I ain't quite as okay as I think.

The drinking is still an issue with some easing up, but not much.


Because of the drinking the weight is ballooning, and while beautiful people inside and out come in all shapes and sizes, I'm literally down to one pair of jeans I can squeeze myself into and not a lot of monetary resources to rectify the situation.


And money. Ugh. I pulled it together enough to sign up for unemployment and now spend part of my days applying for jobs I don't want at places I don't want to be. Not an unusual situation for a portion of the population, but after a dementia caregiving stint even harder to accomplish because we're all f'ing EXHAUSTED from the long strange trip it's been.


But somebody's gotta foot that wine bill.


So, from my couch with a view I reluctantly put one foot forward, follow it up with a begrudging second step toward a modicum of motivation, and continue to a place where the luster is definitely lacking but it's an inch or so closer to changing my life.


'Cause I sure don't wanna have to take up murder.


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6 Kommentare


Joy Pollak
Joy Pollak
05. Apr. 2021

I went through the loss of my mom, and like the commenter above stated, my identity and employment as a caregiver along with her, last year in February. I've been adrift and feeling so small in the world ever since. The upheaval seemed to make time speed up, so I still feel like it happened yesterday. I didn't know I could have signed up for unemployment! Do you think that's still available to me now? Sigh... I really should have tried. Then again, covid relief had not yet been implemented or even realized as a necessity back then. Covid is probably what took my mom, she was severely disabled already and nobody asked for an autopsy to be done. What…


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Lickety Glitz
Lickety Glitz
07. Apr. 2021
Antwort an

Craps, Joy. I'm the same sort of untethered as you but not so much with Mom dying, that still makes me happy for her that she's free, but feeling my lack of focus as she floating through space - not being able to grasp on to anything permanent.


I was able to apply for unemployment because Mom paid us to be her caregivers, and we went through a payroll service, so we'd being paying taxes and such like regular employed people.


I have a question for you, do you enjoy being a caregiver after caring for your Mom? I'm kinda thinking I'll stay in dementia one way or another but not sure I could do the caregiving part with strangers.…

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vgthomas
29. März 2021

Hmm - looks to me like your life got changed for you --- many years ago you were dragged into the “dementia” world, then lost your dad, coped your very best with becoming a fulltime care giver, and now have lost your mom along with your identity (and employment) as a care giver! Makes all sorts of sense that you are using many of the same coping mechanisms you used while caregiving. You’ve gone through drastic changes that were beyond your control – I believe our minds can do strange things to help us cope with too much change – with a big push to attempt to keep things ‘normal’. My heart goes out to you – I’m sending virtual…

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Lickety Glitz
Lickety Glitz
30. März 2021
Antwort an

Yeah, I hadn't thought of it that way, vg, life did get changed for me, but I embraced that change, although prolly not right away. Which may be what I'm going through now. Life got changed again and I'm in the part where the embracing ain't happening just yet!


Thank you for your words of support. It helps me.

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Jane Fischer
Jane Fischer
28. März 2021

https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/

🙂

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Lickety Glitz
Lickety Glitz
30. März 2021
Antwort an

Well, how fortuitous, Jane! Thank you!

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