Throw the garbage out the door. Throw the poop around the house.
Updated: Mar 23, 2018
I'll skip adding a photo.
She's a ninja. She's stealthy. You don't hear her until you close the fridge door to find her standing behind it staring at you intently. Scares the bejeezus out of 'ya!
She's also tidy. You can't turn your back on her while cooking; serving plates disappear, spatulas still in use are suddenly in the dish washer. Two nights ago, a big bunch of freshly cleaned vegetables waiting to be chopped for a sauté went straight out the back door and onto the patio. She "cleaned up the mess." Uh... thanks? Last Thanksgiving, the cooked (and unguarded) turkey on my sister's kitchen counter was discovered in the back yard; the dog gobbling it up as fast as she could, while thanking her doggy god for a bountiful holiday indeed. At times I try to intercept her before she can pitch stuff out. Like when she hasn't finished her dinner and has decided the remainder needs to fly and be free over the back balcony into the yard below, I'll suggest we "Put that in the garbage, Mom, that's where that should probably go," but if she sees me coming towards her with the alternative garbage can proferred within her reach she will double time it to that patio door with a single-minded intent that the food waste will be scattered to the winds. I'll give her this, her throwing arm has improved; we've noticed the morning banana peels are getting closer and closer to the back flower bed.
"You hand her a toothbrush in the bathroom, run to pick up a ringing phone, come back to find her brushing her hair with it, the toothpaste stiffening up her freshly washed coif. The positive take-away from that? She smells minty fresh for the rest of the day."
And the pooping. Well, I just don't know how to explain that. Sometimes she actually poops elsewhere besides the toilet (that's why there's no longer a laundry basket in her room - sorry 'bout that garbage man). Other times she poops in her hand while on the toilet, then distributes that poop to hiding places in other rooms. It's become a skewed version of an Easter Egg hunt. If only finding one of those little nuggets was worth a crisp $5 bill like on Easter.
While I can't figure out what's going on in her head to make her do these things, what I do know is our housekeeper Mary is worth way more than she charges, and we should invest in Procter & Gamble stocks stat - our Febreze budget is through the roof!